At the end of the week, I write about whatever I want. Because I can.

So my love for television shows that most people publicly shame is well documented. My latest guilty pleasure has been dating shows. I could only stomach about 15 minutes of the Bachelor but the less sincere ones like ‘Seducing Cindy’ and ‘Rock of Love’ make me laugh out loud about group dynamics and the predictability of people’s public behavior.

I’ve learned the following from watching celebrities try to fake sincerely look for love in front of a bunch of television cameras. Single people, take note. Maybe one of these realizations will help you nab the B-list celebrity of your dreams.

One guy, twenty women... and when it comes down to a 40 year old and a 23 year old, guess who the middle aged rock star picks...

Celebrity Reality Dating Show Rule 1. One person has the power.

In any relationship, one person does the choosing and the other is chosen. In the really realistic scenario of living in the other person’s fourth house with the 20-something other people pursuing them, each powerless person will only get more so as the season progresses.

Celebrity Reality Dating Show Rule 2. You have fit in the other person’s life, but they aren’t worried about it working in the other direction.

While you will be asked superficial questions like what music you like or where you grew up, the celebrity will be asking themselves how the potential mate will fit into their lives. They will never ask the reverse question.

Whatever you do, don’t talk about missing your kids. You will be sent home for this. That said, the celebrity will talk about missing their kids. Coming from them, it means they’re sensitive. From you, it means you don’t want to be there.

Celebrity Reality Dating Show Rule 3. You have to be hot. (I almost didn’t even write this one…)

Forget being nice or interesting or smart, these can be overlooked, at least for the first two to three episodes if you have a rocking body. Note: Fake breasts are not necessarily a deterrent and in fact, become an investment in this particular scenario.

Half way through the filming cycle, the celebrity will attempt to weed out the people who are just good looking but somehow forget the 5ish more normal, real people they got rid of right off the bat because they felt ‘no chemistry’.

Celebrity Reality Dating Show Rule 4. To prove you can love someone, you have to do ridiculous things.

Think taking questionable photos and doing the equivalent of inappropriate adult relay races. On Seducing Cindy, she faked a car accident to see which potential mate would donate a kidney. And yes, because a celebrity is doing this, all these tests are fair.

Celebrity Reality Dating Show Rule 5. Group dates are normal.

To share your date with one or two other people (and watch them get kissed in front of you) is something you’ll have to stomach.

Celebrity Reality Dating Show Rule 6. At the end of each show, there will be eliminations, and the celebrity must comment on the difficulty of the decision.

Nothing like seeing a middle aged contestant tell a 23 year old competitor how hard it is to send them home. I mean really? Do you have anything in common?

It’s not at all ironic to say you’re falling in love with someone in one frame and the next frame when you’re eliminated, curse the camera and otherwise get ridiculously upset… this is reality folks. And I’m just glad I live in some kind of alternate one.

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