Yes, I know the BE blog is on break, but I was reading this old post that I wrote on my old personal blog after my father died two years ago. I thought it might be appropriate to rework it and post now.
I put my dog down last night, and for those of you who struggle to find words to comfort someone who is grieving, here is a little advice that may be helpful. Thank you to those who have wrote or commented; your kindness is appreciated.
I’ve learned a lot these past two years about losing someone important, first suddenly with my father two years ago, then rather slowly with my dog with her finally passing yesterday. More than anything during these times, I’ve noticed how many important people touch your life and reach out when you need them.
People have said some pretty comforting things to me but also a few odd things. I thought I’d pen a blog sharing these ideas because I find people often don’t know what to say.
First of all, there is not much wrong you can say, so know that. But here are the top five things you should never say to someone whose dog/father/insert-significant-relationship has just died, and in no particular order:
He’s in a better place.
Thank you, Captain Obvious. Don’t need to hear that, ever.
Maybe six months later, I can get philosophical about it all, but not immediately after the fact.
What are you going to do now?
Gee, I don’t know. I thought I’d make a sandwich. (Huh, I guess I can be sarcastic!)
Asking people about making decisions (especially major life ones) within days or weeks is asking a little too much. I mean, I didn’t know what I was going to do before all this happened anyway, and in my grief, I could barely decide what to eat for breakfast this morning.
Also even just putting the dog down (versus planning a funeral, which I have also done) required many decisions made while I was completely stressed out. Don’t make me make more of them.
This is so hard. And it doesn’t really get better…
Yeah, I really want to look towards the long years of my life and really dread them and feel like they are forever tainted by something I can’t control.
If you want, just acknowledge this is hard. That’s acceptable and true. Don’t ask me to look ahead. It’s a little too raw to do so.
You should move home/buy a puppy/insert-advice-here.
I’m with the camp that if I want advice, I’ll ask for it.
Please don’t ever tell someone how they should be grieving or dealing with it, or what they should do with their life now. I think we all know what’s best for ourselves and the grieving process is so individual.
I am not sure whether I am going to get a dog next week, next month, next year, or never. But I should feel free to do what I need to do to make myself feel better without worrying how someone else feels about it.
(Void of Silence)
Please don’t say nothing. This is the worst thing you could ever ‘say’.
I understand that it can be awkward but please aknowledge that something bad has happened to someone you love by saying something. You can do it in a card, with flowers, or even with social media. Us grievers really don’t care how the message gets to us.. . Which brings me to…
Four things that are just fine to say:
1. I’m so sorry.
2. My thoughts/prayers are with you.
3. I don’t know what to say.
4. You gave her such a good life/she was so lucky to have you.
5. (Share a story about the person who died)
I had much more tolerance for these cliché phrases and sentiments then the other stuff. In particular, I appreciated condolences that incorporated multiple elements in them. As the person saying these things you probably don’t think they help. As the person hearing them, I’m telling you that they really do, and even if you hear the same thing over and over from different people, each little thought somehow buoys you up just a little and makes it a little easier.
And the best thing you can do if you want to go beyond saying something is doing something. Don’t ask me for what I need, because I honestly don’t know. Just show up with dinner or offer to help me pack my dog’s stuff or really whatever. Today, several have stepped forward offering me their company and offering to provide me with my basic needs.
So I hope that’s helpful the next time you are faced with a situation like this…but trust me, I hope you aren’t for a long time.